Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
