I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
