I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
