I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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