If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
