I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
