The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
false alarm, still single
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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