I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
