I wanna bring you to show and tell
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
