I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
