I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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