Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
