when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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