can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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