I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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