Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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