he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
