I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I cockslap morals
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
