upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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