New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
