I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
