I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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