for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
