just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
