Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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