I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
