I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
