tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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