then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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