The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
