my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
