Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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