I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
