my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
