Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
