After last night, I could never be a politician.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
