I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
