Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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