I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
