There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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