Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
