I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
