her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
