So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
