just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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