Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
