you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
