are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
not ubering you a puppy
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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