Pappa wants mamma naked
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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