I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
